Dream Journal 6 - A Healing Cut Short

(If I were to give a percentage, ~85% of my dreams are on the neutral-nonsense to negative end of the spectrum.  I will simply post what I experience though.  It is what it is.)

Dream:

An extremely powerful Goddess was healing people.  She was able to heal any and all ailments.  People she healed became child-like with her.  She was upset with me though.  In a group of many people, she scorned me about my shadow.  It was related to me doing something with my shadow that she found to be foolish.  I didn't say anything back in retaliation, as I knew that this would destroy any chances of myself being healed.  I accepted the shame in front of everyone.  

At a later time I was lying down in bed and she came to heal me.  She said that she was going to heal my stomach, as the acid in my stomach was eating my stomach away.  (I've had problems with 'inorganic' feelings in my stomach causing me to greatly suffer over several years.)  My healing started, but I became sexual with her.  She was on top of me but only to heal me, and I began kissing her.  She stopped this from continuing and left.  After this, I was looking for her but could not find her.  

This dream involved a play and a singing choir, so I went to where this was happening, but she was not there.  I was supposed to be in the play.  There was a large eye I was supposed to wear on my forehead.  I was supposed to be a one-eyed monster, but maybe this was my 'third eye.' 

Perspective:

In this dream, grown men would melt in front of her as she healed them, but I scared her off.  This leads me to believe that I deserve to suffer, that I am unworthy of being healed because I'm too bad of a person.  This also reminds me of the past, as I would go to many occultists and adepts, and they all were unable to heal me and ended up wanting nothing to do with me.  This causes me to believe that I am unable to be healed - that I am too much of a screw-up.  My problems are too severe and too dangerous to be healed.  I don't know if this perspective is true or not (hopefully not), but it's the way I feel right now, and I am saddened.  

But, hey.  I should be able to heal myself anyway, right?  It's not anyone else's responsibility.  Sometimes a person needs outside help though.  I don't like needing outside help, because I don't like being vulnerable.  I have a strong desire to always be 'on top of my game.'  Yet, maybe being vulnerable is a part of the healing process.        

Now the following thought process is taking place:  I find that everyone seeks the same thing, which is love.  It's almost as though love is a religion.  Life is always about love and making love, whether this be romantic love or 'higher love.'  Why can't there be anything unique, that doesn't seek this one and 'ultimate thing?'  Why does everyone have to be the same?  What is outside of this?  The answer is evil.  Evil is outside of this.  Why can't there be something outside of this that doesn't have to be evil?  Why must everything be so 'either-or,' 'up-or-down?'  There are many vibes I seek which are probably different types/expressions of love though.  It's probably inescapable lol!  This is very complicated.