The Hole Inside

When I was in elementary school and middle school, there was a girl who was always very nice to me.  She would always want to sit next to me.  I would hold her bag for her.  I had never known that anyone could be this nice to me.  I adored her.  I wanted to marry her when we were old enough.  

Then, when she was in her teens, she went through many different boyfriends.  I wanted to be her boyfriend, but she was disgusted by me.  I wouldn't give up though.  Through high school and after high school, I still thought it was possible.  

After enough time, I did give up.  I convinced myself that I wanted nothing to do with getting married and raising a family.  I convinced myself that my path was supposed to be different.  I convinced myself that I was always this way, when I wasn't.

The family unit is actually the foundation upon which humanity stands.  Those who are in their 30's who are not married with children, or who don't even have a romantic partner at all, will have a huge hole inside them.  They will be much more likely to do drugs and/or commit crimes.  They will be much more likely to behave in self-destructive ways to fill that hole.

The entire reason for being human is to have a family unit.  This is what everyone is designed to be, except of course for the small percentage of the population who are born psychopaths.  Without a family unit - without a wife, or husband, and children to come home to after work and so forth, there will be serious problems staying motivated.

The vast majority of everyone I know who are my age are married with children.  These people are willing put in the extra work at their jobs.  They are willing to go the extra mile for their families.  In my case, however, my heart was broken, and I didn't want other fish in the sea.  I only wanted her.  (Maybe she was my twin flame, or I'm just obsessed.  I don't know.)  I have very little motivation to go to work.  I have very little motivation to do anything.  I'm 38 and have never even had sex with the opposite sex, and whether I like it or not, this puts me at a severe disadvantage in life.  

Ironically, managing that gaping hole inside is far more work compared with raising a family.  I never knew just how much the hole inside could wreak absolute havoc on just about every area of my life.  I was designed to raise a family.  Going outside of what I was designed to be has caused more problems than I ever thought possible.  

The only way I know of for those who are alone like this in life (by no choice of their own) to be fulfilled is to be in the present moment and harmonize with their environments.  (Eckhart Tolle's books and lectures are very useful for this.)

I'm not unique at all.  I wanted the same thing everyone else wanted.  If I actually had done what I was designed to do, I would probably not be aware of 2012portal, and all the other esoteric people and sources of intel.  I would be too busy living the life I was created to live.

Although I respect the family unit, I know that it's too late for me.  Maybe there is a family from above though.  

I accept the course I'm on.  I'm glad to have awakened and to have been a part of planetary liberation.  

The purpose of writing this post is to overstand the hole inside.